ALONE ISN'T LONELY ANYMORE

SINGLES MEETING SINGLES

Happiness never decreases by being shared.
The Buddha
It isn’t easy being single in the Bay Area. It isn’t easy being single, period. “But you have to be happy with yourself first before you can have a relationship that lasts,” Trent, a twenty-five year old poet told me. “It was when I was most content living alone that I started dating my current girlfriend. We’ve been together for 3 years.”
Is that the secret? Do you have to love being single before you can shack up with someone? Do you have to get used to the silence, get a dog to welcome you and learn to listen to your favorite music with no one there beside you? ”I’m happy alone, too,” said Michael Hearn, a sometime bartender, sometime philosopher in his late thirties. “But there are times when I get lonely. The Singles Scene here in San Francisco is really a tough situation for everyone. You have to learn to embrace rejection to survive. If you can do that, you can do anything. After all, there are a million ways to say no and you have to recognize them. Yes is yes.”
Hearn has dated them all: young, old, smart, dumb, black, white, red and yellow…and if he hasn’t dated them, he has watched them try to connect with each other at the bar where he serves them the drinks that ease the tension and mask the fear. “If I waited for a woman to make the move, nothing would happen,” he said. “Whenever you’re looking for it, you’ll get nothing. The trick is to exude availability. Then you’ll get anything you want.”
The modern woman is an independent one. She has figured out her priorities and she is strong enough to go after what she wants: usually a man with money…any age. She doesn’t want to be coddled and she doesn’t want to be romanced. She certainly is not going to spend HER income on HIM. “Younger women don’t want to accept you for who you are,” said Jose, a twenty two year old Latino sitting at Hearn’s bar. “They won’t let a man act like a man.”
Perhaps that is why Hearn loved dating older women. He didn't have to worry about being politically correct when he was with his lady. He loved the attention he received and he recalled coming home exhausted when his partner was a woman over ten years his senior. “She drew my bath, poured me a drink and created a wonderful meal for me,” he said. “And she didn’t even expect sex. She just wanted me to feel better. “
More and more, older women are seeking younger men because they are tired of guys their own age and their lack of interest in excitement and romance. “A young one doesn’t fall asleep on you,” said Pam Tent, who is now in a very satisfying winter/spring relationship. “And you can be in charge.”
You don’t have to be too picky about when to have sex with a younger guy either. “If it looks right and feels right, it’s probably worth sitting on,” says author Pamela Tames. “I’m bad but you’re allowed to be when people start calling you an “older woman.”
That is fine and very fun, if you want a temporary fling. Hearn points out that if it you are in it for the long haul, a young, eager paramour brimming with testosterone, can become a bit much. “No self respecting woman in her fifties would want a guy in his twenties,” he said. “Too much bull shit.”
Now that he is approaching forty, he is thinking about creating a family. “These days, I am looking for someone younger,” he said. “Sure I look for beauty, but that’s just the physical part. I want intelligence too and I refuse to settle. In the past, I’ve had a lot of ‘almosts’ but I do not want to compromise my standards.”
No one wants to settle for less, of course, but we all need to look in the mirror now and again and see what we are asking the other person to accept. “A good relationship means compromise,” said Hearn.
No one argues with that, but first you have to create the relationship. Man is a social animal and even if you love your private time, you still need to stand up, stretch and get out among others. If you are more a thinker than a drinker, are you fated to try the internet or just sit home? “Somewhere between the late eighties…and the new century all of the interesting men had disappeared,” said Tent. “When I went on the internet, I stumbled upon a rogue’s gallery of slightly imbecilic-looking horn dogs of all ages. Some were hopeless romantics; others were savvy skin-trade creeps.”
And all of them posted the picture they wanted YOU to see and described themselves the way they wished they really were. If a single person in the Bay Area wants reality, the internet is not the place to hunt. But where does a single go who wants good conversation, a bit of dancing and possibly a glass of wine?
This was the dilemma Rich Gosse faced thirty two years ago, and unlike most of us who see a situation, complain about it and do nothing, Gosse took action. He created The Society of Single Professionals, a non-profit organization for adults of all ages with a website (http://www.thepartyhotline.com) that offers free personal ads, dating advice, and travel opportunities, and features a variety of parties every month. “I was a single guy who wanted to meet single women,” he said. “So I joined the board of a non-profit singles organization and helped plan singles parties. The challenge is to figure out what to do to break the ice at some of these events. We have many mixer games plus wine tasting, dancing and other activities that help people mingle with strangers.”
The singles parties Gosse puts together target every age group and every interest. “The purpose of our events is to provide an alternative to the bar scene for singles to meet a new friend and/or a romantic partner,” he said.
His group sponsors several theme dances every week from a Blue Jean Ball to an Advanced Degrees Mixer, cougar and silver fox events and a Blast From The Past dance. “We started in a church with free rent and pride ourselves that our events are always affordable. Now we are the world’s largest non-profit singles organization. Countless people have met new friends, romantic partners and marital partners at our events.“
Gosse has also written eight books that share the wisdom he has learned from creating these events for so many years. He has been featured in Oprah and Donahue, and is considered America’s foremost authority on finding a romantic partner. His latest book “You Can Hurry Love,” is an action guide for singles tired of waiting. “Most people wait for Mr./Ms. Right. And that’s unfortunate because life is all too short,” he said. “Looking for love doesn’t have to be a long and lonely experience.”
His book doesn’t just give you a philosophy or try to change your attitude. It explodes the myth that everyone interesting is taken and that love at first sight is the way to go. Gosse offers very specific advice on every topic from how to dress to how to start a conversation. He points out that a good way to hurry love is to engage in an activity the opposite sex loves best.
I was considering blowing up airports or putting on a red jacket hunting innocent animals but I am such a lousy shot I risk shooting myself in the foot and end up hunting for romance in a convalescent home. I do not particularly want to be a nurse, so instead I decided to scout the universities for a young one who won’t die on me and a professor with a mind for dinner table conversation. I can send the boy to the library to finish his homework while I feed the old one his soup and ponder the state of the world.
Love is definitely the answer to it all, but the trick is finding it in your own heart first. “Love life and life will love you back,” says Arthur Rubinstein. “Love people and they will love you back.” All too often we know what we want but we don’t understand the process of how to get it. When it comes to romance, first you meet the person, then you become friends and then that little spark grows into romance. “Meeting someone special requires hard work,” says Gosse. “Open yourself to those around you who are also searching for love and your hope will become a reality.”
For some of us, that love is waiting at a singles dance; for others, at the office and for those who are happily single, it is right in their own living room, but it is always there.
For a crowd is not company,
And faces are but a gallery of pictures,
And talk a tingling cymbal,
Where there is no love.
Francis Bacon ESSAYS.